There are few things as hilarious yet painful to me as going to a cigar bar. Underneath the thick smokey air that limits your ability to breathe and borders on being torturous is the sweet smell of pure testosterone. Mmmmmm...nothing like some testosterone to get you going.While it appears that men are merely sitting on red leather furniture smoking their stogies, they are in fact doing far more than you can imagine.
It all starts when you walk in the door. Say good bye to fresh air and say hello to guys bull shitting all over the place. The reality is that the average guy has no fucking clue about what differentiates a good cigar from a bad cigar, a 5 dollar cigar from a 50 dollar cigar, and a Cuban from a cigar rolled in Chelsea. But no guy would ever dare let anyone catch on to his lack of expertise. Rather, it is at this point that Joe Shmoe is all of a sudden a fucking cigar aficionado. The lingo dropped in the walk in humidor, which no doubt has been ripped from reading a few articles in Maxim or other such magazines, is absolutely hysterical...but most importantly it is all Bull Shit.
Dark, light, mild, sweet, spicy, strong, rich, blaaaaa....Why do we feel the need to act like we know? Like it makes a fucking difference? We all know that we hate the shit...it tastes like crap, hurts our throats, makes us reek like an ash tray, and eventually causes cancer. Yet we feel some manly compulsion...a magnetic attraction that we must go to these places.
While the entire scene is hilarious...there a select few things that are my all time favorite.
There's the above mentioned asshole in the humidor talking about shit he clearly has no idea about, but then there is also the licker, the smeller, and of course the starer.
The Licker - this is the guy that talks a big game in the humidor, enjoys spending entirely too much money on a cigar, and has no issue with salivating all over his tobacco. He nestles in to his chair and begins licking his cigar...like its a fucking Popsicle mind you. I mean I guess I have heard that this is an acceptable thing to do...but come on.
The smeller - this is the guy who smells his cigar for a good 5-10 minutes before even thinking about lighting it. If he could stick it up his nose he would. I want to throw my matches at him and tell him to light the fucking thing already because the longer it takes for you to smoke it, the longer it means I have to sit here and get emphysema.
The Starer - He's your basic douche bag asshole. He lights his cigar and then watches the smoke exiting his mouth. He watches the ash build on the end of the cigar. He turns the cigar, he tilts his head back and he blows smoke in to the filthy air. Like I said....your basic douche bag asshole. Like his smoke is the most amazing thing ever to be put on this earth.
All in all....while it's a nice theory. Cigar bars kind of suck. Cigars make your throat feel like someone poured an empty ash tray down your throat and then ran sand paper over it. I can see why people enjoy the dry, raw feeling and the small lump that develops....its amazing. Not to mention the cancer. Seriously your eyes burn and your lungs cry.
10 comments:
There is a nice Cigar Bar in the North end or better yet Montreal
Thanks...but the term nice cigar bar is an oxymoron. I have been to tons of them, but my problem with them is the air quality...or lack thereof. I enjoy cigars, but only outside when I can at least breathe. The reality is that it is impossible to breathe and after about 30 minutes...which is all I can possibly take... cancer begins to spread throughout your body.
PS. I've been to the north end one and to the one in Montreal.
It's odd, for someone who hates them I sure as hell do go to a lot of them. I think I go so I can be miserable, which ultimately makes me happy.
You are one ignorant person.
If you do not like cigars, then that is fine, it is your opinion.
But to call someone an asshole for enjoying cigars is ignorant.
At least you got one thing right, not everyone who goes to cigar bars are educated in cigar construction, tobacco types, and the various cigar makers. However, many who do frequent these establishments are quite informed about what exactly they are smoking. Either way it doesn't matter, what matter is that that person is trying to appreciate a cigar. If they are simply posing then, that is ok too - to each their own.
Further, if someone wants to understand cigars more comprehensively than ... say your ignorant mind does, there are some great guide books to read (Perlman's), extensive websites and forums where people can educate themselves, and of course the local cigar shop has very capable salespeople who are more than willing to help a cigar smoker out. L.J. Perretti is my favorite in Boston.
But then again, what do you care - you are the type of person who will assert that there is no difference between a 10 bottle of wine and a 100 dollar bottle of wine.
This post merely highlights your ignorance of different tastes and cultures. Cigars are simply an offshoot of that type of craft. Yes, cigar making, at its finest, is a craft. Tobacco blending is a craft. And tabacco growing is a craft. What would you care, you probably think chinese food, with a Pu Pu Platter as the main course, is an extravagent meal.
If you don't want to be in a cigar bar then stay out of them. Your blog,and especially this so called entry, is essentially the ramblings of an ignorant "know it all," who doesn't know much about cigar afficianado's, cigar bars, and cigars.
My advice is to stick to what you know best, which is how to be an ignorant blogger.
publius
Whoever wrote this one above must obviously know Avi. Avi, you are as bad as the guy that goes into the cigar bar and pretends to know it all. Perhaps you are worse. You not only think you know it all, but you have a superior attitude, like you are better than the guy in the cigar bar, because you have some self awareness that he doesn't. Next time why don't you bring a Philly Blunt in with you and ask to smoke that since you can't tell the difference. PS - if on average you can't tell the difference between a $10 and $100 bottle of wine you should just stick to wine coolers.
I am torn about how to answer this post. Do I dive in and exploit your obvious douchebaggery? Do I slowly walk you through why the term ignorant is not the right choice of words? (opinionated, unfounded, judgmental would have been much better...but clearly those are above your voacbularly level). Or do I ignore this comment completely so as not to dwell on one angry person's dribble?
Perhaps I can try to incorporate all three.
The easiest reponse is that if you had read the "let it be known" section on the blog, you would have known that these blogs are merely my opinion and are generally obtuse at best. But clearly you are the type that doesn't need to read directions or take relevant factors in to consideration. You are above that. So above it that on your lunch break from your whack ass job you decide to belittle authors of blogs that you don't agree with. The fact is you are ignorant. Ignorant is a person who makes remarks or bases opinions on things he/she has no idea about. (ex: LSD is the worst. When i clearly have never taken LSD so who the hell am I to make any claims otherwise). I will admit to being judgmental and opinionated....I clearly don't enjoy cigar bars. But you...you calling someone else ignorant for expressing how they feel....now that is the meaning of ignorant. Consider the lesson free of charge. And while I'm on it...you couldn't be more incorrect in saying I wouldn't know the difference between a good wine and a bad wine. But again you make assumptions based on absolutely nothing....because...well, because your an asshole.
I understand cigar making and smoking is an art...it's just not for me..which is why I wrote it on MY blog about things I like/don't like.
Keep reading though. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Publius.
PS. I guarantee you that even my good friend who claims to know and love cigars could not pick oput or differentiate a good/bad or expensive/inexpensive cigar.
The reality is that very few people...the majority especially those in a cigar bar...have no friggin clue what theya re smoking when they smoke it.
"you obviously must know Avi" hahahahahahahahahahah
When you call someone a deuche bag asshole for blowing smoke out of one's mouth and staring at it, you are making an ignorant statement.
Ignorant means "uneducated." This definition fits your comments. Because something is an opinion, does not mean that it cannot be an ignorant opinion.
Specifically, your blog entry is an "uneducated" opinion about those people who you call "starers." You based this opinion on watching people at a cigar bar. Most likely people that you have never met and therefore, do not know why they stare, and how it is important to them - this all qualifies as an uneducated opinion and also an overly narrow perspective. Face it Avi, you are an ignorant person, who sees life in only your perspective - like it is a superior one. It is ok.
Keep writing, I will have fun commenting on this tripe.
publius - do you even know the reference? I am glad you adopted it.
Is it not the purpose of a rant blog to pontificate and spew shit on to an html canvas?
It's easy to call my wrok tripe, and even easier for you say I am ignorant person who sees life in only my perspective when you don't know me.
Your over generalizations are wrong for so many reasons. Yes, this blog is Avi-centric, but thats the point. Whereas your posts are directly aimed directly at me.
So you are a judgmental coward hiding behind anonymous blog responses....you should be proud.
But seriously thanks for reading.
I have a new one coming tomorrow...perhaps you can continue to pass judgment on me for trying to lighten up people's days.
Publius Chizm
I do know you and many of your "friends."
Who but WB Mason?
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