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This Blog is based on my opinions, views, and slanted research only, and its primary purpose is to be used as a creative outlet for me, and apparently a means to killing time for you. Note that entries may be false, accurate, insensitive, compassionate, bothersome, hilarious, offensive, poignant, and/or ridiculous.

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thank you dad...

for teaching me one of lifes most important lessons.
No...not how to be a man. Not how to drive, or throw a ball, none of these can possibly compare to the lesson I speak about.

What lesson do I claim to be so important you ask? Come closer and I shall tell you. I shall tell you the story of the Crow's Nest. Yes...the Crow's Nest. The single most valuable lesson I carry with me to this very day.

The Crow's Nest dates back hundreds of years and is rumored to have been created by a narotic Jewish parent (is there any other?) and/or by a brilliant engineer. It has saved us from infections, diseases, uncomfort, and other such perils associated with the toilet bowl.

I remember the first time my father showed me the "Nest"...it was as if I had just been born. I was entering the filthy, scary, and definitely AIDS infested toilets at the old Boston Garden. I had been holding a deuce inside for quite some time, but this guy had to come out. I tried my hardest to squeeze him back up...but alas I lost the struggle. Besides it was clearly my destiny...some greater plan in place, that wanted me to crap at that exact moment so as to ensure that I was instructed by my father. I cried, even begged my father to take me out of the horrible facilities and go to a cleaner place. He denied my plea and began tearing even length pieces of toilet paper from the roll. As he lay the paper strategically along the top of the shit encrusted and Hepatitis infested toilet seat...I slowly but surely realized what he was doing...and I was all about it!!

To this day there is no public bathroom I fear, nor private for that matter. In fact I often utilize the "nest" in my own bathroom on those cold winter morns so as to keep my tuchas (yiddish word for ass...make sure to build some good phlegm on the pronunciation of it or else it's not authentic) nice and warm.
There are many lessons my father has taught me...each has a special place in my heart...but none more so than the day I made my first "nest."

Do you utilize the nest?????


Anonymous said...

"narotic jewish parent"

Didn't you graduate from law school?



Anonymous said...

fuck you for correcting his spelling...just read it!

HSC said...

Now I know why my sister has become mental. She's married to your father. : )
We NEVER, EVER grew up lining the seats of toilets with toilet paper. I see where my niece is heading.....

hsc said...

Maybe diaper companies should just make a stream-lined (pun intended) diaper, an "Attends" for germ-phobic people? Now THERE's an invention waiting to be invented.
Hey Avi, I have an idea, go into patent law.