And if you say you don't than you're a fucking liar.The only person I can think of that doesn't fart at work is Paris Hilton...and that's solely because she doesn't work...but if she did, she would fart. Besides she definitely farted in prison.
While it's clearly a bodily function that no one readily admits to, besides myself and of course my 79 year old grandfather (who i might add should be considered one of the fiercest flatulators of all time), it is almost an unspoken fact that it is going around you at all times. Actually I take that back...i definitely do not readily confess to half of the shit that comes out of my ass.
Most of the times I just gently let it out and pray that no one confronts me. I mean who confronts someone they work with about farting? Family and friends, that's one thing...but a fucking co-worker...how dare you? Don't you know the rules...I fart, you smell it and shut your mouth and just talk shit about me behind my back. It's common fucking sense. Show some courtesy you degenerate asshole. When you fart I do the same thing... accept I occasionally make eye contact so as to let you know that I know. You know the look...a slight smile, but not too much, just enough to let him know that he's not fooling anybody.
Other times I go for the quick release. It's usually a lot louder, but in certain circumstances it is clearly the correct game plan. Specific examples of places to utilize this are the office shredder, a loud fax machine, and of course when maintenance is vacuuming. I fart right in front of my maintenance guy. If I could I would clime on his back and fart on his chest...but that would just be rude. The poor guy has no clue...he has a metal plate in his head, but I'm almost positive that doesn't really fuck up your sense of smell...and if it does then he couldn't smell it anyway.
While I could go on in greater detail...the point is that this is happening. Right now in fact.
Right in your cozy office, your large warehouse, your manufacturing plant, your cubicle, in every public building, every bank, every law firm, even at the white house. Shit... I have farted twice since writing this. The key is to recognize which type of office farter you are to be most courteous to others and most importantly to avoid being caught.
Which are you???
The silent, loud, obvious, sneaky, courteous, rude, asshole, pre lunch, after lunch, farts from the depths of a humans anus one never knew existed, or the ever so rare pleasant fart...
Please be advised this list is non-exhaustive and is open for debate..please post your own office farting style
5 comments:
I'll check back daily if you post daily. Otherwise, maybe 3 times a week, if you're lucky.
well, i guess i have you beat because i have farted 3x since reading this... at work mind you
I love those elevator farts. The ones when you squeak one out thinking you are the only person heading down from 27. Then on 14, a skinny Asian woman gets on and give you this look like "is dis you." And slowly, the corners of your mouth tilt upward and you take a big whiff all the way down to 1.
O/O
My favorite is the fart that is unexpected and so noxious as to make you contemplate getting up from your desk and discretely closing the door to your office to prevent it from seeping into the hallway.
I just had to close the door.
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